The Quest

When I was a kid I had no idea of what I would do with my life, except that I wanted to explore it freely, experience it fully and live it unconditionally. As a result I was often fearless, and sometimes careless, in the choices that I made—fearless because I believed with absolute conviction that, no matter what I chose to do in life, I simply could not fail; careless because I honestly didn’t care if I failed or not.

I learned that from my father who, paradoxically enough, was the most prudent and sensible person that I have ever known. And, because he was so practical and judicious, he understood the need to both encourage my wanderlust, and provide a firm foundation—my head was often in the clouds, but my feet were always on the ground. 

In retrospect, I smile to think, that he was casting his own shadow. A vicarious companion on a quest for more adventure—I was Sancho Panza and he was Don Quixote.

What I’ve discovered as I’ve lived my life, is that uncertainty has power. It compels us to confront ourselves and overcome our fears. The fear of needing more, or having less, because someone thought we should. The fear of losing what we never had, or thought we may have wanted. The fear of holding on or letting go. The fear of fear itself. These are the very things that hold us back from being who we are, and the only thing that conquers fear is knowing that we can.

I believe in myself, and accept who I am, because my father believed in me. He challenged and empowered me. He acknowledged and embraced me. For who I was. And how I lived. Not for what I may have done. It was the greatest gift he ever gave, when he gave his heart to me. He entrusted me with who he was, so that I could be myself. 

Another year has come and gone. Another year begins. Another shadow on the wall. Another quest for more adventure. The journey is the only thing that ever really matters. The seeking, and the finding, and the lessons to be learned. I am still that kid with wanderlust in search of wonderment. Obstinate and petulant. Inquisitive and smitten. It’s the path I haven’t chosen yet, that will take me where I’m going. 

There is no place I would rather go, than where I’ve never been. There is no one I would rather be, than who I will become.

 Illustration: ‘Don Quixote’ by Mateusz Lenart